Bizarro Back Issues: That Time Vampirella Took On A Death Cult's Orgy Of Destruction

You know how you are just surfing the waves of the interwebs late in the night, jumping off one strange website to another, and you stumble upon the cover to an old comic book that just grabs your attention and that image is all you can think of for days, and you just have to find that book and read it no matter what?

No? Oh. Okay.

Let me just begin by saying that contrary to what you might believe, there actually are a few comic book characters I am rather not well-informed about. Vampirella, or rather, “Vampi,” is one of them. I’ve always wanted to read a few of her stories, and I think I did go through two volumes of the Master Series (by Grant Morrison and Mark Miller, and by Warren Ellis), but she never came across as an interesting enough character for me to put down my other books and make time for her. That is, of course, until I saw this glorious cover by Jose Gonzalez.

The reason why that cover got a hold of me is because the green-face in the background, who’s watching Vampirella let out a fart, is actually traditional facemasks worn by Kathakali dancers in India. Kathakali is one of the major forms of classical Indian dance. Known for its distinct moves where equal emphasis is paid to the story the dancers are trying to convey to the audience as to the dance moves themselves, I couldn’t fathom what would lead a group of Kathakali dancers to form a death cult. Or what is an orgy of destruction is.

The story opens with a recap of Vampirella #73 and introduces us to a Hindu cult in Calcutta. Since they are “bloodthirsty believers in Shiva the God of Destruction,” it is important that they are stopped from sacrificing the young virgin with their ceremonial dagger. No, the fact that human sacrifices were never a part of Hinduism does not count. Hindus sacrifice young virgins and that is it.

Thankfully, the evil schemes of Jadoo Bindu – whose first name literally translates to “magic” in Hindi – and his Council of Wizards are stopped by Vampirella and Adam Van Helsing, who I assume is related to that other famous Van Helsing.

God bless the righteous intruders.

We jump to the present, where Vampirella is running to the apartment of Conrad Van Helsing, who has to be blind for he approves of her son’s girlfriend fashion choices. Conrad informs Vampirella that the reason he summoned her is because Adam is dying.

oh shit boi waddup

It turns out Conrad is not that powerless to save his son. He has also summoned Kala, high priestess to the Temple of Vishnu the Preserver in Allahbad, India. With a sound effect of “Phuummmf!” Kala teleports herself halfway across the world in a jiffy and lands straight into the apartments of Conrad Van Helsing. In her haste, however, it would seem she forgot to put on a top. But don’t mind that, there are lives to be saved, tops be damned!

Kala reveals that someone has stolen Adam’s soul and because they are powerful psychics in their own right, taking on them individually might not be the best course of action. Kala, Conrad and Vampirella must join forces and perform a seance and penetrate the mystical barrier around Adam. As it would turn out, the remaining members of the Council of Wizards have hatched a plot of vengeance against Vampirella and Adan Van Helsing for killing their leader. Can’t say I blame them. When you lose a leader with such a fancy name as Jadoo Bindu, your cult does lose some of its charm.

Kala explains since Adam and Vampirella’s karma is entwined and because Conrad is too old (and also blind?) for battle, Vampirella must slip into the astral plane and rescue Adam. Interestingly, no one questions Kala when she pretty much says “not my problem your boy’s in coma, gurl” to Vampirella. (That’s not what she says; calm down.) Kala guides Vampirella in the astral plane leaving her at the entrance of some sort of tunnel with, hands down the best ashirwaad ever given to someone – “may Vishnu’s smile shine on you!”

If some random rishtedaar I had never seen before had said that to me, my life would have probably been so much better.

Coming out the tunnel Vampirella was doing just fine, but she gotta be down because she wanted to save Adam Van Helsing. She meets one of the many Lords of Karma. Chosen by the “spiritual hierarchy” to decide Vampirella’s case, he informs her that his decision would be final and there would be no appeal. Read enough comic books and you know there would be an appeal somewhere down the story. What follows next is a classic beat the boss to advance to the next level story. (I can’t recall the literary term for this particular genre of stories. Sue me.) The first boss? “Yama, the Dark Angel of Death”.

Now, considering who Yama is in Hindu mythology, I was expecting an epic mystic battle of sorts between “the girl from Drakulon” and the “reaper of souls”. Instead, Vampirella recalls Kala’s advice and relies on her wiles to defeat Yama in mere two panels. Which of course is followed by a random panel of a naked woman on a “rotating bed with mirrors”.

Vampirella’s next challenge is “Shiva’s destructive wife” herself, Kali!

I’m not an expert in Hindu mythology, but I’m pretty sure Shiva was never described as Kali’s “thunderous mate”. Nevertheless, Kali is a force to reckon with. In her most famous story, she takes on an entire army of demons, destroys them all and literally dances on their corpses. So yeah, Vampirella is in trouble.

Turns out, Kali is a sweetheart. When she sees that Vampirella is willing to kill to rescue her lover, Kali lets her pass. Hindu gods are pretty chill with their followers trying to kill them for love, or so it would seem. (Love does form the core premise for a lot of Indian stories.)

Next boss fight!

Maya.

(Not that one.)

Unlike the last two times, we actually do get a battle. A psychic duel no less! Unfortunately, Vampirella’s powers are no match for the “Mistress of Illusion”. About to be cast away to the ethereal plane by the Karmic Lord who has been hanging with her and silently judging her (like all your friends), Vampirella’s makes a desperate plea to Conrad and Kala across dimensions for some extra “collective thought-wave”. Kala’s plan to rescue Adam from Maya’s spell is pretty straightforward and one that Vampirella is an expert in. If mindless pleasure has locked Adam in a comatose state, a sharp sudden pain should snap him out of it.

Maya complains to the Karmic Lord who, rather than asking her to fill in the correct form and register her complaint in the Complaint Office of Hindu Dieties™ agrees with her assessment. But before he could have his say, the Top Guy himself, Brahm makes an appearance… or rather his eye does.

I am assuming Brahm is Brahma, the Hindu god of creation, one of the three most important gods in Hinduism, and not brahm as in भ्रम, i.e., hallucinations. Although, considering the story, that might explain a lot. Nevertheless, the eye of Brahm, chill as most Hindu gods (and their organs) are, reverses the decisions of the Karmic Lord because, well, love holds no bounds.

I think that his saying that blood when spilled for the cause of love creates good karma might explain all those honour killings across the country. We should slow down, though. We are kinda overdoing it, aren’t we? What will we ever do with all this good karma?

Finally, the Eye of Brahm returns Vampirella and Adam Van Helsing to their bodies in the physical plane with the classic sound effect of “…BRAHMMM-OM-OM-OM-OM”

Sure, the story had its share of problems, but we did learn something very important today, kids. Hindu gods are chill af, but they do appreciate when lovers commit murder for each other!